The Burnzo Diaries: The Black Mass Premiere

It all started while I was on Facebook one night scrolling through some statuses. Somebody posted an article warning Brookline-area commuters about traffic detours due to a Black Mass premiere. The premiere was said to take place the very next night at the Coolidge Corner Theater! I found this very intriguing. One of my favorite actors Johnny Depp was in Black Mass. Was it possible that he would be in attendance? Naaah, in Boston? Naaah. It was a long shot.

I clicked on the article and, to my surprise, it said that Johnny Depp may possibly be in attendance. Hmmm...interesting. I figured that this may be my one and only opportunity to see one of my favorite movie stars in the flesh. Hell, I had never even seen ANY movie star before...well, except Adrian Grenier (of “Entourage” fame), but he wasn't that huge of a star. He was more like an actor, you know?

Johnny Depp, however, was a star.

The next day I decided that I must try and check the premiere out. I had never been to a big movie premiere before so I figured that, even if Depp wasn't in attendance, it would still be interesting checking out a bona fide Hollywood movie premiere. And if Depp also showed up? Well, all the better.

My plan was to take a 4pm train from Walpole into Boston and then walk to the Coolidge Corner Theater (aka "The Coolidge") in Brookline where the premiere would be held at around 6pm. I would bring a small video camera with me so I could document the experience of being at a Hollywood movie premiere and maybe—just maybe—get footage of the Deppster himself...IF I was lucky.

Before I caught the train, I stopped by a liquor store because I figured that I should probably be in (at least a partial) state of inebriation so I could better handle the crowds of people at the premiere. At first, I thought I would just get a tall boy of Natty Ice or something, but then I figured the only proper way to experience the movie premiere was with the help of a watermelon-flavored Four Loco. Certainly the 12% alcohol volume would give me juuust the right amount of numbing sensations amidst thousands of screaming Johnny Depp fans.

I poured the Four Loco in a red-tinted water thermos so I could discretely drink the flavored malt liquor in public and people would just think I was sipping on water. Genius, right? Then, I hopped on the 4pm train, started sipping slowly and soon felt some really good stuff going on in my bloodstream. The buzz was on, baby. I was going to a Hollywood movie premiere. This was going to be fun!

After about 35 minutes or so, the train brought me into Boston's Back Bay station and I felt pretty "loco" at this point so I kind of floated out of the station feeling like I was walking on marshmallows. I proceeded to float my way in the direction of Coolidge Corner, which was a long walk, but it was a nice, mid-September day. I figured I might as well get the exercise and enjoy the late summer in the city.

As I made my way closer and closer to the Coolidge area, I started to hear helicopters hovering in the distance. I looked up into the distant sky and could see about three helicopters flying around in circles like a bunch of hawks. I figured this must have been security for the movie premiere. Maybe this meant there were going to be some big-time celebrities there. Maybe Depp would, indeed, show up!

Surprisingly, the walk to the Coolidge from this point was peaceful save for the ominous sound of the helicopters that grew in volume as I got closer to my destination. I thought there would be a long line of people processioning their way down the sidewalk, kind of like in pilgrimage fashion. But this wasn't the case. All seemed normal.

Making my way further down Beacon Street, traffic did start getting a tad heavier and then I saw a cop car that was parked in the middle of a lane with its blues on. Shortly after this, I came to an intersection and I saw a stretch limo stopped at the traffic light. Okay, now things were picking up a bit. Now it was maybe starting to look like a premiere might be going on somewhere close-by.

Just a minute or two later, I made a sharp turn onto Harvard Avenue and, holy shit, that was when I entered a completely different dimension, folks. I mean, judging from my relatively quiet walk, it was hard to believe that—just around a corner—there was going to be such a massive mob of people. But there it was. There were TONS of people—probably thousands—and they were all paddocked behind steel barriers.

I walked with the flow of foot traffic for a while and then I found a little store alcove I could hang under while I assessed what was going on around me. It may sound weird to say, but one thing that I noticed right off the bat was that everybody smelled very nice; there was an amalgam of perfumes, lotions, colognes and shampoos permeating the air around me. My nose buds had never been so stimulated.

I could also hear a lot off buzz, rumor and hearsay about Depp. Some people were saying that Depp had already gone in, which was great because that meant he was present! But it was also not-so-great because I may have missed my only opportunity to catch a glimpse of the big movie star.

I decided to hang in the alcove for a little bit and maybe get some footage with my video camera. I did manage to get some good shots of the crowd and also the Coolidge Theater marquis that said “Black Mass” on it. While I videotaped, I could hear much more buzz-buzzing from the fans. Some people said Depp hadn’t shown up yet. Others said he came and went. He was inside. He was outside. All the rumors were conflicting. Nobody knew what they were talking about. They were basically just playing one giant game of telephone and getting all their information wrong.

Soon, an older lady came up and stood beside me. She was on the phone with somebody and told the person that, “I’ll call you back, Johnny Depp is about to show up!" I thought this was more rumor and buzz, but I was looking through my camera, using the zoom, and I suddenly saw Johnny Depp’s bodyguard pacing back and forth. Yes, I abashedly admit I knew what Depp's bodyguard looked like. I had seen some videos of Depp signing autographs at other events and premieres. Let's just say I was doing research...for a novel. Seriously. One of my Hollywood novels (Blowtorture, if you want to know the name) involved a big, Hollywood movie premiere and I looked up some premiere footage of Depp on YouTube. Research, folks. Don't judge me.

Sure enough, part of the crowd in the distance suddenly erupted into a banshee-like scream and I saw Johnny Depp's wife Amber Heard appear in my viewfinder. Soon after, the banshee screech became way louder and I saw Johnny Depp pop out of nowhere, waving to the crowd. Holy shit on rye! There was the Deppster himself. In the flesh. This was trippy, dude. No, not trippy, did I say that? This was Loco.

Depp when he first arrived at the premiere.

Depp looked like a movie star, he really did. He had sunglasses on and he wore a dapper-looking suit that was the color of orange sherbet. Due to my camera and its excellent zoom, I had a really good view of everything that was going on. In fact, if I hadn't brought my camera, I probably wouldn't have been able to see Depp at all, at least at this point. My trusty video camera acted as a sort of periscope. It was my all-seeing third eye.

The old lady standing next to me saw that I was getting some really good footage and she started looking over my shoulder while I filmed. I kind of wanted to tell the old bag to bite the dust (just kidding sort of), but I politely allowed her to watch along because I respect my elders. She didn't just watch in silence, though. She started talking in my ear the whole time, mostly about how bad of a guy Whitey Bulger was. She also said that her daughter had a small role in the Black Mass film. The old bat was a nice lady—don’t get me wrong—but I was really wanting to concentrate on what was going on with the premiere. I didn't want to listen to her buzz my ear off the whole time. I wanted to tell her that I was twisted on Four Loco and the last thing I wanted to do was listen to her talking about God-knows-what.

Depp signed some autographs on both sides of the street but soon had to do his whole press thing so he disappeared down a red carpet and, I suppose, must have eventually gone into the theater. I think a lot of people didn’t know if he was going to come back out at all or sneak out a secret exit. A good portion of the crowd even started to disburse, but I decided to stick around for a bit, just in case there was another appearance. I had come all the way into town. What difference would it make if I hung out for another half hour or so? I knew Depp didn't like to watch his own movies so I thought there was a good chance he'd be out of the theater sooner than later.

I spent a little time looking at the footage I had gotten. I was actually surprised that I managed to get some really solid shots of Mr. Depp. I cued up the shots on my little LCD viewfinder and showed them to a couple girls who were standing close to me. I thought they would be impressed and I could score a phone number, but the only person who was impressed was their gay guy friend and I just don't swing that way, brother, no offense.

Maybe only about a half an hour later I heard the crowd’s banshee shriek again. Sure enough, I saw Depp and his wife Amber standing beside their SUV, which was parked right in front of the theater entrance. The crowd's shriek crescendoed and held its high pitch like an opera singer. Amber hopped into the SUV and Depp gave her a kiss. Then, his bodyguards huddled around him and he went back over to the fans so he could sign more autographs.

At this point, I was feeling bold, so I decided to see how close I could possibly get to the Deppster. I crossed the street, wove my way through fan after fan and—to my surprise—I could actually get pretty damn close. I mean, there were still about five or six rows of people between me and him—well, probably even more than that, but, still, I was way closer than I ever thought I'd be able to get.

Because of all the hands in the air that were waving their posters to be signed, I still mostly had to use my camera and its zoom in order to see Depp at all. In fact, at this point I had been using the zoom so much that it kind of became disorientating. I didn't know how close or how far away things were relative to my actual position.

I'm zoomed in quite a bit but this is when I was closest to Depp.

At one point, I looked away from the camera and I was shocked by how close I actually was to Mr. Johnny Depp. He was only maybe about ten feet or so away from me, but for every foot there was about one whole row of people, meaning that the swarm of people around him was about ten feet deep, or maybe more.

Indeed, Depp was so close, but, at that point, still so far away. I mean—fans aside—he was literally just a hop, skip and a leap away. If I wanted to get to him, I would have needed to be super-aggressive, push my way through the swarm of fans, which—yes—did resemble a cartoonish swarm of bees. I'm not the aggressive type, though, and I'm not an autograph guy either. Maybe it would be cool shaking Depp's hand or saying hello, but I don't think he was a hand-shaking guy. I wouldn't be. I mean, think about how many germs all the people had!

So, yes, I stayed back and filmed the whole crazy scene from a distance. Most of the fans acted civil as Depp signed whatever they wanted signed. However, there were a couple aggressive autograph hounds, probably looking to sell autographed memorabilia on eBay. There was one black gentleman, for example, that was being an asshole and he was basically tapping a Jack Sparrow poster on Depp's head in order to get his attention. Depp's bodyguard was having none of this and he grabbed the dude's poster, crumpled it with his fist, thus rendering it worthless for eBay. Surprisingly, Depp still politely signed the poster, but then the black guy started shouting something unintelligible and Depp's bodyguard growled at him. It also appeared that Depp may have even gotten pissed at this point and mouthed the word 'punk' at the guy.

Overall, I would say Depp probably spent a good 20 minutes signing autographs. I don't know if he eventually gave his bodyguards a secret code or something because they all silently decided it was time to scoot him away and guide him back towards his SUV. I kind of wonder about that, actually: whether he gave them a signal, like a scratch of the nose. Maybe a scratch on the right nostril means he's good to do more autograph signing, but a scratch on the left nostril means he's tired as hell and wants to get out of there. Of course, it needs to appear as though it's the bodyguards telling him he's done so as not to appear rude to the fans.

Depp surrounded by bodyguards right after signing autographs.

Once he was safe at his SUV, Depp gave a final wave to all the fans. Everybody was roaring and screaming, "I love you!" Even the men in the audience were expressing their love for this man. I decided to hoot and holler as well, though I contained my "love you's".

One last wave before he leaves the premiere.

Depp gave his security guard a hug goodbye, which impressed me. He was very gracious and very polite. He didn't seem to come off as being entitled in any way. Then, I saw the security and publicity teams giggling and hugging each other, like they were all celebrating a job well-done. They seemed to be all close friends, which was nice to see. It was just kind of weird, though, because—if you think about it—they were all there basically to orbit around one man: Johnny Depp...like they were planets and he was the sun.

After his final waves, Depp hopped into his SUV, a security guy shut the door for him and the black Cadillac Escalade with the tinted windows sped off to God-knows-where; fantasy-land, I guess. Mount Olympus, maybe.

With Depp gone, the crowd disbursed and I also left after a few more moments. I turned down into a side street and the buzzing of people got quieter and quieter...and quieter. Soon, I realized I was walking alone. I was just around SO many people and there was SO much excitement and now there was basically nothing. The sudden vacuum of silence was disorientating to the senses since I had just been around so much noise.

Also, I realized my Four Loco was finally starting to wear off.

I found a liquor store on Beacon Street and purchased a 24 oz. tall boy of Yuengling beer. Then, I went to the nearby Boston University campus, my alma mater, and found a dark bench in a grassy knoll-like area known as the "BU beach". Here, I poured my beer into my thermos as discreetly as possible. Then, I took a sip and was glad the beer didn't taste like watermelon since the Four Loco had been in the very same thermos.

I sat on the bench a while, sipping on the beer and listened to the silence around me. I felt really…well, alone. Depp seemed so cool. Everybody loved him. Everybody wanted a piece of him. He had all this security around him. Publicists. An entourage. Yes, he had all those people around him and I had...well, not a single soul. I felt so insignificant, un-liked, unimportant and irrelevant. Of course, any self-help book would say that everybody's life is special and worthy, but—let’s face it—Depp seemed so much more worthy. Well, I guess that was what the Black Mass movie premiere would have you believe, anyway. Maybe God found me, alone on a bench, to be as worthy as Depp. Maybe who man adulated didn't matter. God valued everybody the same.

After I sat and drank on the bench a while, I got up and walked all the way to South Station via the Public Gardens and the Boston Common. The gardens were nice per usual, but the Commons (also per usual) were a little creepy. Some black teens were playing craps in the middle of the walkway, listening to the Notorious B.I.G and smoking the reefer. There were also some drug deals going on and some bums nodding off, probably from heroin. The scene was a far cry from the surreal world I had just come from at the movie premiere.

I could have made a slightly earlier train, but I decided to grab some dollar beers at a bar called Coogan's, which was right in the Faneuil Hall area. Yes, dollar beers in pint glasses and they had free Wi-Fi there, too!

I must admit that there was a point at the bar when I considered cuing up some Depp footage and I thought maybe I could show some girls and they'd be impressed. But I didn't do this, mainly because all the girls seemed to be with dates and also because I was being a pussy. Instead, I mostly just played on my phone a bit while I pounded four beers in about 30-45 minutes. I was pretty loaded by the time I ended up leaving the bar but still functional and I caught the last train out of Boston without any problem.

"Good evening folks, this is the Franklin/Forge Park train. Stops will include Ruggles, Readville, Endicott, Islington, Norwood Depot, Norwood Central, Windsor Gardens, Walpole..."

I slunk low into my seat while the train started to pull out of South Station at its initial snail's pace. I had Instagram'd some of my Depp footage a little earlier in the night and I saw on my phone that it was getting likes, comments and such. For a little while I felt cool because I had seen Depp and all, but people were only liking the stuff because it was about Depp. They liked Depp, not me. Yes, I was still feeling insignificant, no matter how hard I tried to tell myself I was special like the self-help books say. But could I really blame myself? The whole goal of a Hollywood movie premiere is to make stars look like they're cool and above us. I mean, you're literally treated like cattle since you're paddocked behind steel barriers the whole time. How could you NOT feel a little degraded?

"Next stop is Ruggles..."

I shut down the Instagram and buried my phone deep into my camera bag where I couldn't hear any of its notifications. Then I peered pensively out the train window and started thinking even more deeply about what I had experienced earlier in the evening. I soon came to the realization that a Hollywood movie premiere is basically a weird ceremony—shall we call it a black mass?—where false idols are honored. No offense to Depp here, because this surely isn't his doing. Idolatry has always been the Hollywood way. Since its very inception, Hollywood has always wanted to redirect our reverence away from any true God and towards the false gods that make up Hollywood. And again, I'm not saying Depp wants to be a god; it's Hollywood that builds him up to be one, because the more Hollywood directs our reverence towards its players, the more money it makes and the more power it accrues.

I also came to realize that—along with it being a ritual of idolatry—the Hollywood movie premiere is essentially a celebration of popularity. The underlying implication of a premiere is that being alone is not ever good, which is why I felt so unimportant on my train ride home. According to Hollywood, the goal in life is to become surrounded and loved by man. Popularity is good. Solitude is bad. The problem, however, is that the more surrounded by man we are, the more distant from God we can become; that is, if we adopt the "Jesus in the Desert" philosophy that says it's through (at least partial) solitude that we become closer to God. What I'm getting at is that the movie premiere—by nature—is (at least in a sense) a satanic-like ceremony, kind of like a true black mass. I realize this sounds extreme, but the overall message of the Hollywood premiere is to honor popularity over solitude. Honor man over God.

Holy shit! Who knew I would get all spiritual and religious and borderline Jesus-freaky after a movie premiere. These were deep thoughts, man. They were Depp thoughts, too. Maybe I was reading way too much into it all. Or maybe I was still just loco on Loco. Either way, it was definitely cool actually seeing my favorite actor in the flesh. That kind of thing doesn't happen every day and—who knows—it may have been a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. For that, I'm thankful I got loaded on Loco and attended the premiere.

As for the Black Mass movie itself, I never saw it until several months later when it came out on DVD. I actually watched it twice so I could pick up some of the plot points I missed the first time around. It was a very good movie and Depp was on top of his acting game. He was so damn creepy but also careful not to make the character a one-dimensional, evil villain. There was a humanity to Bulger, but, damn, he was also bone-chillingly creepy. Depp pulled it off perfectly.

...

Below is the actual (somewhat shaky) video footage I took at the Black Mass premiere. I didn't add music or any other effects, mainly in attempt to capture the true essence of what it's like at a Hollywood movie premiere. Also note that this is the only place you can see this footage. It's not public on YouTube because this isn't meant to be an ingratiating fan video. It's merely meant to complement my "blog", which is something that hopefully falls into the category of art (not exploitation). I wanted to be respectful to Depp and not exploit him. Thanks for reading and watching.

The link: https://youtu.be/HLeLhsZWJn0