It’s finally
happened. My prayers have been answered. Praise be to the heavens! After 38
years of living on this earth, I’ve finally discovered a way I can link myself
to a famous person.
This discovery
would not have happened had it not been for the hard work of my father’s cousin
who devoted a significant amount of time researching our family lineage on
ancestry.com. What he discovered was shocking. Buckle your seatbelt, now. This
is going to get nuts.
Ready for
this? My great-great grandmother’s cousin’s wife was the great-aunt of…wait for
it…John F. Kennedy, former President of the United States of America.
Wild, right?
Oh, but that’s
not all.
See, my
great-great grandmother’s cousin married Elizabeth Fitzgerald. Elizabeth was
the sister of John “Honey Fitz” Fitzgerald. Honey Fitz was a very well-known
mayor of Boston in the early 1900s. He was the father of Rose Kennedy and, of
course, Rose was the mother of John F. Kennedy.
Pretty
simple to follow, right?
Needless to
say, this changes my life significantly. Now I should be able to vacation at
the Kennedy compound in Hyannis without a problem, but, more importantly, now I
can feel superior to most everybody I talk to from this point onward. For
example, if I’m arguing with somebody about politics, I can instantly win the
debate by simply saying, “Goddammit, do you know who you’re talking to?! John
F. Kennedy is the grand-nephew of my great, great grandmother’s cousin’s wife!”
At which point the person I’m debating will be overcome with embarrassment and
apologize to the great, great grandson of a woman whose cousin’s wife was the
sister of the grandfather of John F. Kennedy.
Furthermore,
my Kennedy connection may come in handy whenever I’m in the city and want to
use a nice bathroom in a hotel I’m not a guest at. When they see me walk into
the hotel lobby from off the street and say, “Sir, are you a guest here at the
hotel?” I can say to them, “Goddammit, do you know who my father is? He’s the
great grandson of the woman whose cousin married the aunt of JFK’s mother!” And
then this person will back off and say, “So sorry, sir. Please help yourself to
our bathroom facilities, which are known to be the best in the entire city. Feel
free to even use our pool or gym, too, if you’re interested.”
I’m sure
there will be even more benefits to my connection to JFK, but, for now, it’s
mostly just nice to know I have access to all the best bathrooms in the United
States.
Here’s a map
of the lineage:
Me – Matt
Burns
|
|
My Dad
|
|
My Grandfather
|
|
My great-grandparents/parents of my grandfather
|
|
My great-great grandmother/mother of my great grandmother
|
|
J. J. Foley (cousin of my great-great grandmother)
marries Elizabeth Fitzgerald
|
|
John F. Fitzgerald (brother of Elizabeth
Fitzgerald/former Boston mayor—“Honey Fitz”)
|
|
Rose Kennedy (daughter of John F. Fitzgerald)
|
|
John F. Kennedy (son of Rose) – Former President
of the United States
 |
| John "Honey Fitz" Fitzgerald |
 |
| Rose Fitzgerald (Kennedy) |
 |
| John F. Kennedy ... MATT BURNS is the author of I
TURNED INTO A MISFIT!, MY
RAGING CASE OF BEASTIE FEVER, JUNGLE F’NG FEVER: MY 30-YEAR
LOVE AFFAIR W/ GUNS N’ ROSES, JOHNNY
CRUISE, THE
WOMAN AND THE DRAGON, WEIRD
MONSTER and several more books. Check out
these books (and many more) on his Amazon author page HERE. |
