Thursday, May 28, 2020

The JFKennection

It’s finally happened. My prayers have been answered. Praise be to the heavens! After 38 years of living on this earth, I’ve finally discovered a way I can link myself to a famous person.

This discovery would not have happened had it not been for the hard work of my father’s cousin who devoted a significant amount of time researching our family lineage on ancestry.com. What he discovered was shocking. Buckle your seatbelt, now. This is going to get nuts.

Ready for this? My great-great grandmother’s cousin’s wife was the great-aunt of…wait for it…John F. Kennedy, former President of the United States of America.

Wild, right?

Oh, but that’s not all.

See, my great-great grandmother’s cousin married Elizabeth Fitzgerald. Elizabeth was the sister of John “Honey Fitz” Fitzgerald. Honey Fitz was a very well-known mayor of Boston in the early 1900s. He was the father of Rose Kennedy and, of course, Rose was the mother of John F. Kennedy.

Pretty simple to follow, right?

Needless to say, this changes my life significantly. Now I should be able to vacation at the Kennedy compound in Hyannis without a problem, but, more importantly, now I can feel superior to most everybody I talk to from this point onward. For example, if I’m arguing with somebody about politics, I can instantly win the debate by simply saying, “Goddammit, do you know who you’re talking to?! John F. Kennedy is the grand-nephew of my great, great grandmother’s cousin’s wife!” At which point the person I’m debating will be overcome with embarrassment and apologize to the great, great grandson of a woman whose cousin’s wife was the sister of the grandfather of John F. Kennedy.

Furthermore, my Kennedy connection may come in handy whenever I’m in the city and want to use a nice bathroom in a hotel I’m not a guest at. When they see me walk into the hotel lobby from off the street and say, “Sir, are you a guest here at the hotel?” I can say to them, “Goddammit, do you know who my father is? He’s the great grandson of the woman whose cousin married the aunt of JFK’s mother!” And then this person will back off and say, “So sorry, sir. Please help yourself to our bathroom facilities, which are known to be the best in the entire city. Feel free to even use our pool or gym, too, if you’re interested.”

I’m sure there will be even more benefits to my connection to JFK, but, for now, it’s mostly just nice to know I have access to all the best bathrooms in the United States.


Here’s a map of the lineage:

Me – Matt Burns
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My Dad
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My Grandfather
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My great-grandparents/parents of my grandfather
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My great-great grandmother/mother of my great grandmother
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J. J. Foley (cousin of my great-great grandmother) marries Elizabeth Fitzgerald
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John F. Fitzgerald (brother of Elizabeth Fitzgerald/former Boston mayor—“Honey Fitz”)
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Rose Kennedy (daughter of John F. Fitzgerald)
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John F. Kennedy (son of Rose) – Former President of the United States
                       

John "Honey Fitz" Fitzgerald

Rose Fitzgerald (Kennedy)

John F. Kennedy

...

MATT BURNS is the author of I TURNED INTO A MISFIT!, MY RAGING CASE OF BEASTIE FEVER, JUNGLE F’NG FEVER: MY 30-YEAR LOVE AFFAIR W/ GUNS N’ ROSES, JOHNNY CRUISE, THE WOMAN AND THE DRAGON, WEIRD MONSTER and several more books. Check out these books (and many more) on his Amazon author page HERE.