Monday, March 30, 2020

Excerpt from GARAGE MOVIE re: John Cassavetes

An excerpt from my book GARAGE MOVIE: MY ADVENTURES MAKING WEIRD FILMS. In this excerpt, I talk about how I first got interested in the films of John Cassavetes and also when I first crossed paths with Cassavetes on Cassavetes author Ray Carney:

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FLASH BACK TO: a couple months before the Tracey Jacobs rejection. It was Christmas of 2004 and Santa Claus gifted me with a Criterion Collection box set of John Cassavetes films. This was, in all seriousness, a life-changing moment. I popped Cassavetes’ first film Shadows into my DVD player and I never looked back. Faces, A Woman Under the Influence, The Killing of a Chinese Bookie, Opening Night—I watched each of John’s films over and over again. I was obsessed.
On eBay, I managed to find rare VHS copies of both Minnie and Moskowitz and Cassavetes’ last film Love Streams. I watched those over and over as well. It was like entering a new dimension, locking myself in my room at night, turning out the lights and escaping into the world of a Cassavetes movie.
Cassavetes’ films were so different from what I was used to. Most Hollywood movies were “plot-driven”, but Cassavetes’ films were the most character-driven works one could ever find. In fact, ‘character-driven’ isn’t quite the correct term. I would say his films were more like ‘human-driven’, which was a radical departure from Hollywood where the “humans” in movies are more like dehumanized pawns strategically used to tell a good story…or, in other words, a means to an end. Cassavetes, however, didn’t give a damn about entertaining an audience with a good story. All he cared about was capturing human behavior in its purest form.
Now, there is a misconception that Cassavetes’ films were “improvised”, but the fact is that they were all scripted and well-structured in their own unique, non-Hollywood way. They seemed improvised because Cassavetes was so talented at capturing real human behavior on the written page. Of course, his scripts weren’t etched in stone by any means. Actors—with the guidance of the director—were free to explore the complexities of their characters and alter their dialogue or actions as they saw fit. The script was always subject to changes and was never bound by a tight plot. In fact, ‘plot’ was a dirty word. Reality was more important than plot, the latter of which, if you think about it, is really the opposite of reality; it’s un-reality.
Indeed, Cassavetes’ main interest lied in non-contrived reality while Hollywood was more interested in contrived character arcs, plot beats, Acts, well-established character conflicts, clear-cut character goals etc., all of which are elements of a false reality. Cassavetes wanted to deliver audiences from this Hollywood-induced unreality and reintroduce them to reality.
As for me, I apparently craved this reality. For a period of several months, Cassavetes’ films were my addiction. I literally could watch nothing BUT Cassavetes. Hollywood movies were suddenly so stupid to me, with one-dimensional characters or ‘types’ with canned emotions, Hollywood feeling, not real human feelings that you would experience in everyday life.
 The Killing of a Chinese Bookie was probably my favorite of all Cassavetes films. The Criterion Collection contained two different versions of the film and I watched both versions multiple times. Again, Cassavetes didn’t just write a script, shoot it and end up with the same vision he had from the outset. His filmmaking was more explorational and his vision was in a constant state of flux throughout the process of shooting a film and even throughout the process of editing it. If the editing process took him in a different direction from what he had in the script, well, he would simply go with it and pleasantly surprise himself with an end-product different from anything he had initially envisioned. If he wanted to explore two different creative pathways and end up with two versions of his films? Well, why not? Hollywood, of course, wouldn’t approve of this explorative process; they would want one version of the film finished on deadline, then they would promote the film, distribute the film, hope to make a lot of money off the film and on to the next. Cassavetes, however, liked to take his time and the filmmaking process was more interesting to him than making an end-product that would hopefully be a “hit” (i.e. a financially successful movie). In this sense, he was the epitome of the anti-Hollywood filmmaker. His filmmaking style was unprecedented at the time, especially in America. He completely subverted the Hollywood model of what a movie should be.
Anyway, it sounds sappy, but I watched so many Cassavetes films over the course of about a year that it felt as though Cassavetes himself was holding my hand the entire time, functioning as a kind of spirit guide, walking me through the spiritual experience of a lifetime.
Assisting with this “spiritual experience” were Ray Carney’s books on Cassavetes, my reading of which coincided with my viewing of the films. I re-read much of Cassavetes on Cassavetes, but I also read Carney’s book The Films of John Cassavetes: Pragmatism, Modernism and the Movies, a British Film Institute (BFI) published book called Shadows, and a self-published book called John Cassavetes: The Adventure of Insecurity. Both the films of John Cassavetes and the writing of Ray Carney went hand-in-hand. Carney’s books were almost like an extension of the films themselves, meaning you got way more out of the viewing experience with his writing complementing them. Or, in other words, I guess what I’m saying is that Cassavetes and Carney were a package deal and many Cassavetes fans are in denial of this; in fact, many fans don’t even like Carney. Personally, I think they’re envious trolls, most of which are critics who could only dream of writing the masterpiece that is Cassavetes on Cassavetes. I thought and still think Carney is brilliant. He’s a bit of a controversial figure and he’s made several people upset in his passion for artistic truth, but I will always see him as nothing more than absolutely brilliant. Even if he tore new assholes in each frame of my own films, I would still think he was brilliant.
The amazing thing (and what-I-deemed serendipitous) was that Carney literally lived a mere five minutes away from me. One day in March 2005, I was out walking my Bassett Hound Anthony just down the street from my house and I saw this man rolling down the street on his bike. As he came closer, he started looking familiar and then he waved, smiled and said ‘hello’. I suddenly realized, holy shit, that was just Ray Carney! At the time, I had been drowning myself in all things Cassavetes, reading all things Carney as a kind of study aide to the films, and then, boom, there was the man himself riding right past me on his bike. It was so surreal. Too surreal. Serendipitous for sure. I felt a strong pull to contact Mr. Carney.
The next day, I wrote Ray a letter and sent him a VHS copy of my short film Sympathy for Hitler’s Soul. A few days later, I received an email from him thanking me for the letter. He said he enjoyed the film and, more specifically, he said, “You leave people thinking.” Wow, I couldn’t believe what I heard. Ray Carney thought my film was thought-provoking? It was very difficult getting a compliment from a guy like Ray and I received (what I saw as) a compliment. That made my day.
I emailed Ray back and forth and probably bothered the hell out of him because he was such a busy man, but he eventually invited me to sit in on his American Independent Film class at BU. I told him, yes, I would love to sit in on his class! Of course! I was honored by such an invitation.
So back to BU I went as a non-student and sat in on Carney’s class. He showed a film called Human Remains by an experimental filmmaker named Jay Rosenblatt. This film was about past world dictators, like Hitler and Stalin, and explored Hannah Arendt’s concept “the banality of evil”. It was quite brilliant and you can tell it was brilliant because I said “quite” and that’s a word smart people use. The film used what-is-called “found footage” of the dictators, so no actual “filmmaking” was necessary at all. Just editing of “found footage”. And voice-over done by actors.
After the class, my plan was to introduce myself to Carney, but he darted out of the room very quickly and I didn’t have a chance. I figured I would shoot him an email later, so I exited the classroom, walked out into the hall, but then I saw him coming back my way with a teacher’s assistant by his side. I gave him a wave, he took notice, and I told him who I was. He said, “Oh, I saw you [in the classroom]! Glad you came!” And then he told his assistant, “This is a very good filmmaker right here!” referring to me. I gave him an “Oh, shucks” look, but hearing those words certainly made my day. No, not my day; they made my week…month…year…lifetime…my entire stardust existence! Ray Carney, the mastermind who brought us Cassavetes on Cassavetes, thought I was a “very good filmmaker”. This was surreal.
The next day I sent Carney another email with my reaction to the Rosenblatt film. I quickly received a reply saying, “Wow! How deep! And how much I agree with you!” Then I went and sat in on his next class and he read my response aloud to the entire class like it was the most brilliant thing ever written. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Was I dreaming? This was Ray Carney, a super-difficult dude to impress, perhaps one of the most difficult men to impress in the entire world. And I was impressing him?
Thus ensued a period of a couple months where I would sit in on Carney’s classes, have email correspondence with him and very often cross paths with the film scholar while he was biking. He would post several of my emails on his website (it was cassavetes.com back then), I guess because he deemed them deep enough and worthy enough.
The connection with Ray was meant to be. For what? Perhaps for nothing else but validation from somebody I respected. But it was definitely meant to be. I realize that Ray Carney is a controversial figure in the film criticism world, no doubt about that. And, boy, the administration at Boston University does NOT like him in the least, mainly because their visions of what the BU film program should be differ so greatly. But I will say this and only this: with what limited interaction I’ve had with Ray, I have only seen him to be an extremely kind and brilliant man. He has an anti-Hollywood persona, there’s no doubt about that. And he’s no bullshit, pure truth, and this comes off as abrasive to people, probably because they’re so used to bullshit in our society. But I would vouch for Ray any day. Maybe I’m just saying this because he was supportive to me and my work, but, again, Ray was never anything but kind when I interacted with him and nothing less than brilliant.


MATT BURNS is the author of THE WOMAN AND THE DRAGONJOHNNY CRUISEGARAGE MOVIE: MY ADVENTURES MAKING WEIRD FILMS and several other books. Check out all his books at his Amazon author page HERE.


Saturday, March 14, 2020

The Bright Side of Corona Virus



The corona virus is now officially a pandemic. On Wednesday evening, President Trump announced that there will be a European travel ban starting Friday. Nobody will be allowed to travel from Europe into the US. The exception being the UK.

Universities are closing and students are being sent home. All large gatherings nationwide have been cancelled. The NBA has postponed its season. The Saint Patrick’s Day parades have been cancelled. Disneyland has closed. Stocks are plummeting in an unprecedented manner…

Things seem bleak, indeed. Even apocalyptic.

But is there a bright side to all of this? There may just be.

First, it may give birth to unity. Over the past few years, we have witnessed an unprecedented amount of division in our nation. Democrats Vs. Republicans. Progressives vs. Conservatives. Anti-Trump vs. Pro-Trump. Pro-impeachment vs. Anti-impeachment. Pro-gun-control vs. Pro-second amendment. The list is exhausting and goes on and on. Is it possible that we will now (possibly) transcend these divisions and unite with the one simple, common goal of staying healthy? Because that’s all that really matters in the great scheme of things. Doesn’t it?

Second, the corona pandemic may slow us down, which is probably a good thing. We don’t even know it, but we go through life like zombies, racing around from one place to another, never really thinking about what’s the meaning of it all? We’re programmed to be on the run all the time. But now maybe the virus will slap us out of our somnambulant lives, wake us up and make us think about what’s really important and what really matters.

Third, we may stop placing so much of our faith in economy. With the stocks plummeting like they are, maybe this is a way of drawing attention to how much worship we put into the Almighty Dollar. Money is material and, more importantly, fleeting, something that can apparently disappear in a snap. Perhaps we will walk away from this corona pandemic realizing that we should place our faith into other things, like maybe a real God instead of the false one worshipped on Wall Street.

Fourth, the corona pandemic may reconnect us with nature…because, really, being alone in nature will probably be one of the safest places to be during this corona craziness. It will force us to unplug from civilization and take a deep breath of fresh air. We will get our feet dirty again, with soil from the earth, instead of concrete and tile. It could be a much-needed period of grounding.

Fifth, we will walk away from the corona pandemic with more gratitude than we’ve had in a very long time. We take so much for granted, especially basic things, like all the food that lines the supermarket shelves. Over the past couple days, it’s been an unsettling sight to see these shelves suddenly scarce or even bare. When have we ever needed to worry about having enough food to eat? Not for a very long time—that’s for sure. When corona is all done and over, we will certainly have more gratitude for the most simple things in life (yes, even toilet paper).

In short, a pandemic like corona may be what we need to finally shake our current (and narrow) concept of what reality is and we will open ourselves up to something much broader and of greater importance.

There is always good that can come out of something so grim.

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MATT BURNS is the author of THE WOMAN AND THE DRAGON, JOHNNY CRUISE, GARAGE MOVIE: MY ADVENTURES MAKING WEIRD FILMS and several other books. Check out all his books at his Amazon author page HERE.

Monday, March 9, 2020

Is Being "Woke" a Joke?




“If you say, ‘Yeah, there was sexism in this race,’ everyone says, ‘Whiner.’ And if you say, ‘No, there was no sexism,’ about a bazillion women think, ‘What planet do you live on?'”

-- Elizabeth Warren after dropping out of the 2020 presidential race


Elizabeth Warren blames sexism for the reason why she didn’t do well as a presidential candidate, but is this true? I would argue (as would many others) that the real reason she didn’t do well in the 2020 presidential primaries is because she was a poor candidate who ran a weak campaign.

Warren started out strong enough, but then her campaign quickly spiraled into a desperate display of identity politics, starting with when she, out of the blue, accused political opponent Bernie Sanders of saying (in 2018, during a private conversation) that a woman could never be president. When Sanders denied all of this during one of the primary debates, Warren approached him with a hot mic and said, “Did you call me a liar on national TV?” The whole confrontation seemed contrived and hardly anybody believed her. They could smell the desperate cheap shot a mile away. It was obvious Warren wanted to make herself out to be a victim of sexism in order to give a little more gas to her campaign, which was basically puttering out like a dying engine at that point. It didn’t work.

Warren didn’t learn her lesson, though. Her identity politics reached a level of absurd desperation when, later in January, she promised to allow a nine-year-old transgender child choose her secretary of education. This proposal was such an egregious display of pandering to “woke” culture that you may have thought you were watching a political satire. But you weren’t. She was serious.

In short, Warren didn’t fail as a presidential candidate because of sexism; she failed because she didn’t run on much except an unhealthy dose of identity politics that ultimately reached the level of absurdity.

Sexism undoubtedly exists—there’s no question about it—but Warren’s cry of sexism as the reason why her campaign failed is unhealthy and dangerous. It makes women out to be victims in a situation where they’re not. Recklessly fueling a culture of victimization like Warren does (and many others do in this day and age) ultimately leads to the disempowerment of those “victims”. When you’re convincing people they’re a victim, you’re doing them no favors, and when you’re doing this for the sole purpose of political gain, it’s devious and destructive.

Such a weaponization of victimhood is a microcosm of what’s wrong with woke culture in general. On the surface of wokeness, there is a veneer of well-intentioned social justice activism. But go beyond that surface and you find, in many cases, an encouragement—even a celebration—of victimhood, which, in turn, disempowers the individual. In other words, wokeness is like an energetic vampire that feeds off the life-force of people, sucks them dry until they’re disempowered victims.

Does this mean that social justice activism is bad? No, there is definitely such a thing as a healthy dose of social justice activism. It’s questionable, however, whether being “woke” is always healthy. As seductive as wokeness is for people who want to be good or for people who want to at least appear to be good, there is a dark side to woke culture. Energetic vampires like the many politicians we see rising into the public eye today view social justice activism as an opportunity to exploit a culture of good intentions and use it to empower themselves while disempowering others.

What’s left in the wake of wokeness is a culture of victims dependent on those who desire to rule over them. Indeed, that’s the intention: create powerless victims who look to you to be saved. You become their father or, even better, you become their God.


MATT BURNS is the author of several books, including such novels as THE WOMAN AND THE DRAGON, JOHNNY CRUISE and WEIRD MONSTER, and such memoirs as GARAGE MOVIE: MY ADVENTURES MAKING WEIRD FILMS and JUNGLE F’NG FEVER: MY 30-YEAR LOVE AFFAIR W/ GUNS N’ ROSES. In addition, he has published a book of political/social essays THE BURNZO PAPERS and a book of poetry. Check out all his books at his Amazon author page HERE.

Saturday, February 29, 2020

WAAF GOES OFF THE AIR


After a 50-year run, Boston rock radio station WAAF 107.3 has abruptly gone off the air.

Indeed, the news broke on Tuesday, February 18th, that parent company Entercom sold the station for $10.7 million and, by midnight Friday, just three days after the news of the sale, AAF was off the air. Just like that. In its place was a Christian Rock station called K-LOVE that nobody will ever listen to.

The news was met with much sadness. Some anger, too. WAAF had been rocking Boston for 50 years. And, within three days, it’s just gone? Forever?

Yep.

I was sad like the rest. But I admittedly felt ashamed, too. With the exception of tuning in here and there during desperate circumstances, I had basically abandoned WAAF years ago. Over the past decade or so, podcasts and Pandora had seduced me away from the radio waves. Plus, AAF played music I was no longer very interested in (no offense, but I could only take so much Disturbed, Sevendust and Godsmack).

So it’s not like I was really saddened by the fact that a radio station I barely ever listened to (anymore) went off the air. It was more like I was depressed because WAAF represented something to me. The past, I suppose. A piece of my childhood. No, this wasn’t about a radio station going off the air. It was about a good chunk of my childhood going off the air and disappearing into the airwaves, never to be heard from again.

When I think back on it, WAAF was the station that can be credited with giving birth to my love of music. Previous to the sixth grade—1994 or so—I admittedly wasn’t into music very much and my knowledge of what bands were out there was limited to what my older brother listened to at the time. I had a few cassette tapes I played in my Walkman here and there…mainly Skid Row’s “Skid Row” and Aerosmith’s “Get a Grip” come to mind…but also EMF’s “Stigma” was thrown into the mix (mistakenly bought because I thought their hit single “Unbelievable” would be on it—it wasn’t); but, overall, I was a music ignoramus, a tween more interested in playing Super Nintendo or reading GamePro magazine than anything else.

By sixth grade, however, I was on a mission to be cooler. I wanted to know what music was hot out there. So, I thought the only proper thing to do was to tune in to Boston’s “only station that REALLY rocks”: WAAF. 107.3.

Throughout sixth and seventh grade, I went to bed every night at nine-sharp, hid under my covers and tuned my Walkman into WAAF’s “Top Nine Tonight” (aka TNT). This was an hour-long countdown of the day’s top-nine requested songs, starting from #9 and ending with #1.

Songs that made a frequent appearance on Top-Nine-Tonight were Soundgarden’s “Spoonman”, Alice in Chains’ “I Stay Away”, Stone Temple Pilots’ “Big Empty”, Pantera’s “I’m Broken”, The Offspring’s “Come out and Play”, Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage”, Green Day’s “Basket Case” and many, many more.

It’s no coincidence that among the first albums I ever bought (on CD) were Soundgarden (Superunkown), Alice in Chains (Jar of Flies), Stone Temple Pilots (Purple), The Crow Soundtrack (which also featured STP’s “Big Empty” but soooooo much more good shit, holy crap), Offspring (Smash) and Beastie Boys (Ill Communication). Top Nine Tonight basically dictated what albums I should purchase. I would hear a good song on TNT and say, ok, that’s the album I should go out and buy this weekend with my paperboy money.

In high school, I remained faithful to AAF. There’s this vivid memory I have from freshman year, setting my digital (you know, the one with the red digits) alarm clock so I would wake up to WAAF each morning. The only song I distinctly remember blasting out of the radio alarm clock was Stabbing Westward’s “Shame (How can I exist without you?)”. Those beginning guitar riffs to that song sounded so siiiiiiiiiiick at 6 o’clock in the morning. Who needed coffee when you had that? Oh God. I’m getting emotional.




Imagine waking up to this in the morning? It was great.


Now, you have to remember: there was no Internet back then. No social media, either. Tuning into a radio station like WAAF was the only way to make you feel connected to popular culture. Okay, I guess you could watch MTV, but this wasn’t always convenient (plus, you needed cable). Tuning into WAAF was how you tuned in to what was happening in the world of the cool kids. You would get word of bands touring, new albums being recorded, breakups, reunions, drug overdoses, rehabs and album release dates. Radio singles would be released before albums came out and even before videos on MTV premiered. The only way to hear these singles would be ON THE RADIO. You had no choice but to tune in.

Case in point: the Beastie Boys’ single “Intergalactic” in 1998. The song was released a full month or two before Hello Nasty even came out. I was a mega-fan of the Beastie Boys by this point (read my book BEASTIE FEVER HERE) and was sure to tune into AAF to hear the Beasties’ first single from their new album—that was the only way. WAAF didn’t make it hard for you. “Intergalactic” was practically played twice or even thrice every hour.

Things changed for radio, however, once the millennium came about. By the time I was in college in 2000, Napster emerged and you could download pretty much any song you wanted to hear, for FREE. There was suddenly no longer much of a need for a radio station. Throw mp3 players into the mix and I was basically married to my Rio Mp3 Player all throughout college (even though it only had enough memory for about six songs at a time). Then, came the iPod and iPhones, which seemed like pieces of alien technology that resembled the monolith thingy the apes worshipped in 2001: A Space Odyssey (did Kubrick foresee our worshipping of these devices?). Forget about it! These Apple devices could hold hundreds of songs at a time. Who needed radio at that point?

Not long after iPods, music streaming came along. With Pandora, and YouTube music…Spotify and Amazon music…iHeartRadio…the only time I listened to AAF was while I was shaving at the bathroom sink (I keep a battery-operated radio on the shelf beside the vanity) or driving in the car (I drive a 1999 Corolla that doesn’t even have a CD player, let alone a way to plug in an iPod or smartphone).

So, I guess WAAF’s demise in 2020 was, perhaps, inevitable, whether or not one likes to admit it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, though. Due to that pesky emotion inherent in the human condition called nostalgia, we all want a radio station like WAAF to live on, forever…even if we hardly ever tune in….

And, that, my friends, is why it was so depressing to hear WAAF officially go off the air on Friday night, February 21. Part of me wanted to forget any of it was happening and move on with my life. But, no, I knew I had to experience the death of AAF first-hand. It was kind of like witnessing a loved one die on their death bed. As heartbreaking as it may feel, you need to be right there with them, holding their hand as they cross over into the light.

So, at 11:30pm, I found myself sitting on my basement couch, sipping strong IPA, staring at my old-school, battery-operated radio…and I “tuned in” one last time:

…WAAF disc jockeys Mistress Carrie and Mike Hsu are all alone in the studio at this point, very emotional, and they’ve hardly processed what is even happening. It all seems more surreal than real…

…then, they announce that Black Sabbath’s “Black Sabbath” will be the last WAAF song ever. It seems fitting for many reasons. Not only is the song about 50 years old (like AAF), but it’s also the ultimate heavy metal anthem and a big scrahew-a-yoooooo middle finger to the Christian rock that will take over afterwards…

…the intro to the song starts, the DJ’s tell everybody that they love AAF fans so much and they chant, “A-A-F…A-A-F…A-A-F….” Then, their voices fade as they “hit the post” like the pros they are…and Black Sabbath plays in full…

…Is it the end, my friend?
Satan's coming 'round the bend
People running 'cause they're scared
The people better go and beware
No, no, please, no…

…after the song…ghostly dead air. This lasts for five or six seconds. It’s the most depressing dead air you’ve ever heard. Then, the Christian Rock from K-LOVE fades in. Ugh. No offense to Christ or Christianity, but who listens to this shit? Puuuuuuuuuuuke.

Just like that, WAAF is gone. Forever. And, with it, goes a piece of the past. A piece of our childhoods.

The official end of an era.


WAAF stickers I accumulated from over the years, mostly from the 1990s…





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MATT BURNS is the author of MY RAGING CASE OF BEASTIE FEVER, JUNGLE F’NG FEVER: MY 30-YEAR LOVE AFFAIR W/ GUNS N’ ROSES and I TURNED INTO A MISFIT! Check out these books (and many more) on his Amazon author page HERE.

Monday, December 23, 2019

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE GIFTS

‘Tis the season for nostalgia. I don’t know about you but, every Christmas, I can’t help but think about all Christmases past and all the cool toys Santa Clause used to bring me. Here is a list of a few of my favorite gifts of all time:


Rambo Action Figure


When I was young, I was obsessed with Rambo. Particularly Rambo: First Blood Part 2. Back in the late 80s, you would occasionally get a free promotional weekend of HBO with your cable package and, one weekend, I was able to record the movie on a VHS tape. I watched this VHS tape in an obsessive manner and fantasized that I was Rambo most of the time.

When Rambo 3 came out, I became equally obsessed with that movie and I have vivid memories of pretending I was Rambo on the schoolyard in 1st grade. I'm not kidding. All the other kids were on the jungle gym and what-not while I was off by myself, lost in my Rambo world. I remember the teachers had to speak to my parents about how I didn't play well with others. This was because I preferred to be in a fantasy world of anything and everything Rambo 3.


The cartoon version of Rambo aired in 1986 and a ton of action figures subsequently appeared in toy stores. Santa Claus brought me a few of the action figures, but my most favorite was the special operations green beret himself: John Rambo. As seen in the photo, he came with a bazooka weapon that shot with a string.


Music Major



This was a cool keyboard/toy. When you turned it on, a nasally voice would say "Please...choose...an...activity." I didn't know how to play the piano, but I was more interested in pressing the buttons that made animal sounds (the coyote was my favorite). You could also play the piano in a special mode where each key would say, Do, Re, Mi, Fa etc. If you hit the ‘Fa’ key really quick over and over again, it sounded like a dirty word.


It's important to note that I think I only wanted this toy because I saw it in the big, fat, annual Sears holiday catalogue and it looked super cool. Back in those pre-Internet days, the annual Sears Christmas catalogue was the best way to assess what toys you would like for Christmas.


GI Joe Tiger Force



"Tiger Force" was a special operations unit of GI Joe action figures and vehicles. Santa Claus brought me a Tiger Force airplane (Tiger Rat), helicopter (Tiger Fly) and boat (Tiger Shark). The plane was my favorite and I randomly reenacted a scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with this plane (the scene where an airplane swoops down and shoots at Dr. Jones and his dad while they’re driving in a car).
The Tiger Force vehicles had guns and red, detachable plastic missiles. I played with these toys all the time and I was the best at making gun noises with my mouth, mainly because I could roll my tongue at a very young age. This, by the way, helped me out significantly when it came time to roll my R's in Spanish class.



Thundertank




This was the vehicle that the Thunder Cats rode in. ThunderCats, if you don’t know, was a kids cartoon from the mid-1980s featuring a group of cat-like humanoid aliens who team up to fight evil on their planet. I was in pre-school at the time I first started watching ThunderCats and I absolutely idolized them. In fact, I have vivid memories of being in pre-school and fantasizing that I would turn into the leader of the Thunder Cats -- Lion-O -- whom I adored the most, and all the kids would love me because I was him.



Sadly, my parents somehow discarded my ThunderTank when I was apparently not looking, though I still do have a Lion-O action figure to this day. There is a switch in the back of him to make his arm swing into a punch. Also, there was a special battery-operated key you could plug into a circular socket on his back and make his eyes light up. 


By the way, I have to admit I thought Lion-O’s name was Lionel up to...well up until when I just looked him up a second ago. I'm not sure why I was mistaken, but I definitely thought he was Lionel. I'm kind of ashamed of this.



Sega Game Gear


Nintendo’s Game Boy had already been out for a couple or maybe even a few years. I had gotten a Game Boy with my fifth-grade paper route money, but it was so hard to see the black and green screen and the graphics weren't that great either.

But then came Sega Game Gear.

At the time, Sega Game Gear seemed like the eighth wonder of the world. A video game consul that was portable? And (unlike Game Boy) it was in color? With 8-bit graphics? Whhhaaaaaa?Whhhaaaaaa?


It was in sixth grade that Santa Claus gifted me with a Game Gear, complete with the Sonic the Hedgehog game and also Terminator 2: the Arcade Game. Sonic was a great game, but I played T2 the most because it was an 8-bit version of the T2 game that was at the local Dream Machine video arcade, which I loved. And when I say I loved it, I REALLY loved it. It was my favorite game at the arcade and, when I found out I could play this game whenever I wanted on my Game Gear, I just about flipped.


Sadly (and stupidly) I sold my Game Gear in the mid-2000's to a used video game store called "Play it Again" or something like that. When I’m asked whether I have any regrets in life so far, I usually say, 'no' but, when I do, I'm lying my ass off, because my biggest regret for sure is selling my Game Gear.


Donkey Kong Country




Stop it right now. Stop it. Stop making me talk about Donkey Kong Country. It excites me so much I can't type.

Ok, I'm calmer now.

Donkey Kong Country is up there as being one of my favorite video games of all time (GoldenEye , aka “Bond”, for N64 and Mario Kart are close contenders...oh, and also Zelda: Ocarina of Time). DK Country was a revolutionary game for the Super Nintendo System. Made by RareWare, it had graphics that were waaay ahead of their time (the graphics were technically known as 3d sprites). Playing the game was so fun and I literally spent my entire Christmas vacation playing it with the exception of when I had a CYO basketball game or was eating lasagna left over for Christmas parties. Maybe one of the reasons why I played the game so much (and liked it so much) was because it was pretty easy and one of the few games I could actually beat.


I still own DK Country to this day and have played it here and there. Fortunately, I've been able to introduce the game to my nephews, whom have enjoyed playing it.


Super Nintendo



Super Nintendo ranks as my number one favorite Christmas gift of all time...by far. I was in the fifth grade, 1992. The home video game consul was the number one item on my Christmas list and all December I was so excited knowing that, in just a few weeks, my life could change in a radical manner. In fact, when I think of Super Nintendo, an image of a pink candle comes into my mind. This is because it's the pink candle that is lit at Church on the third week of Advent and seeing that pink candle lit meant that it wouldn't be much longer until Christmas and Super Nintendo would (potentially) be in my possession.

Sure enough, Christmas came and there was a big present with just enough weight to it. I knew what it could be. With one rip of the wrapping paper, I saw a Super Nintendo logo and I was so happy that my dream was now a reality in present time. Included with the game was Super Mario World and -- what's this??? -- Santa Claus left two more games along with it: a new game called Mario Kart and another game called Final Fight.


Mario Kart was revolutionary at the time because of "Mode 7" technology that was a geeky way of saying it had really good graphics that created the illusion of 3D because you drove deep into the screen, thus creating the illusion of depth. Racing against a Player 2 was fun (usually my brother), battle mode was even more fun (in my opinion, the SNES Mario Kart battle mode was much better than N64 battle mode or any of the later Mario Kart versions). I also obsessively played in "time trial" mode, which tested to see how fast you could drive a course on your own, and, to this day, I probably hold the world record for the ghost valley course. 



As for Final Fight, this was a side-scrolling fighting game with graphics that, at the time, I thought were mind-blowing. It reminded me a lot of an actual arcade game, which makes sense because I later discovered that Final Fight was originally a 1989 arcade game. The gameplay basically consisted of you punching and kicking a bunch of bad guys with street punk names like AXL and Slash (hmmm…I wonder what creative mind came up with such unique names that definitely didn’t sound like members of a popular rock band).

And then, of course, there was Super Mario World, one of the few games (along with Donkey Kong Country) that I ever beat. The game had such fun colors and music and all this combined with a loveable character named Yoshi made me so happy when I played.

As of right now, my SNES is fragile but still functional and I have been known to play it on occasion.